Our ‘newspapers’ are awash with images of seemingly everyday folks (well if you deem rugby players or reality TV ‘stars’ normal) getting drunk and disorderly. Luckily for me, I was born a little earlier than these people (with the exception of Suzie from The Block who I assume is the exception that proves the rule) and none, NONE of my drunken moments are captured on anything like a video camera.
So just like a 1960s politician, I can pretend that these indiscretions never even happened. Sure some former friend or lover could pop their head up should I ever wish to appear on The Biggest Loser but their testimony would be deemed non newsworthy because there are no photos! I think there may be one still photograph of me falling backwards into a rosebush sans pants at a friend’s 18th but the Daily Mail would balk at that. Words? Boring! A still photo? Double plus boring!
So I’m safe because my best drinking days are behind me and because I was born at a time where no one had a mobile phone and oh yes and I’ve never simulated sex with anything or anyone. Seriously, how is there now more than one person in the world caught on camera doing this? I have been drunk I’ll admit, I even went to Chasers once or twice but I always had the decency to pass out in a corner well before anyone let me loose on their toy poodle.
Remember how when you were out and you accidentally smashed a glass and your mates would yell ‘Taxi!’ like this lady’s had enough and if you’re giddy enough to smash one of my nice Maxwell Williams champagne flutes, then you’re on your last warning my friend. Where are the ‘friends’ of these idiots as they’re peeing in pot plants or on people’s couches? Well they can’t pile their intoxicated ‘pal’ into an Uber because they’re too busy filming the whole debacle on their iPhone and haggling with Tracey Grimshaw about their fee.
So who can I blame for the fact that I keep seeing Gianni from MKR naked on my phone or that I now know another NRL player’s name and that he has a bladder control issue? Is it my fault? I am the end consumer, the punter that clicks on this stuff and then shows other people or mentions it at work when meetings are dull. If no one watched these videos, they’d be gone as quickly as Gianni’s client list.
Then again if there weren’t any drunk blokes peeing on or pretending to shag things in the first place…. I know, I know, now I’m the one who’s drunk!