Burger joints are the 2015 version of the self serve yoghurt shop. My only hope is that they soon follow suit. I have officially been diagnosed with burger fatigue. Sure I’m handicapped in this area; being a vego a burger joint doesn’t hold a lot of sway for me but I lurve hot chips and will eat them anywhere I can even if they’re $8 and come with aioli rather than sauce in a squirty packet.
As I see it, here are the top ten annoying things about these fancy burger joints:
1. They’re expensive. Like $22 expensive. I’m pretty sure you can run a whole Bunnings sausage sizzle for $22.
2. They all seem the same. The names may be slightly different but the motto seems to be, real men eat more than one patty here and you better do that too. But unlike in the States, there’s no free T-shirt, just a complementary swig of Gaviscon on your way out.
3. The faux nostalgia. I don’t know about you but I didn’t go to high school with Chachi and the gang so hanging out, sipping sodas and discussing dill pickles seems rather inauthentic to me. The closest I got was probably flinging my McDonald’s pickle on to the roof of our local ‘burger joint’.
4. Enourmousness. Seriously I love food but I don’t need to eat my entire week’s worth of calories in one sitting. I’ve heard some people have willpower but for those of us who don’t, please cut the portion sizes down. Every time I eat too much at these places I think of gluttony from the film Se7en and then can’t eat for another three weeks.
5. Fake awards. Now I’ve been scammed by every country town between here and say Lakes Entrance in relation to the ‘Best Vanilla Slice Award’. Sometimes it’s just a laminated sign in the bakery window or something the old lady behind the counter whispers, but for my $2.20 I want it to be legit from the Royal Melbourne Show or at least as judged by the Frankston Standard. There are more burger awards at the moment than there are burgers. Who is awarding these prizes? No human could possible taste all the bloody burgers in Melbourne at the moment. Is this what Bouncer is doing in his retirement?
6. Super friendly staff. I mean are they on something? Are their iron levels now so elevated from all their discounted staff meals that they’re now super humans capable of working at a burger joint AND acting like they enjoy it? Enough already with the Hillsong and the enthusiasm.
7. No table service. Like you guys have tables, once I have stood for 10 minutes in line to order, I’m allowed to sit at one. Couldn’t I have been sitting the whole time? Don’t make me walk around with a number on a stick like a dork or have to come find you when I want sauce or a serviette or another gobful of your ‘can-do’ attitude.
8. Whacky names. I don’t want to say Double Dragon to another human in a public place unless I have successfully achieved my dream of becoming a spy and that is today’s code word. Don’t make me say it to get lunch.
9. Pictures of cows. Again, I’m hamstrung by my vegetarianism as we all are but even my meat eating colleagues balked at the giant cow on the wall chatting to customers about his happy life. They know it’s meat and they like to assume it came from a cow (as opposed to a horse I suppose) but there’s no need to fictionalise Mr Cow’s back story or alleged satisfaction with his clearly well informed decision to be part of a LeBron Burner.
10. The Maccas Factor. Just like when your Mum and Dad got on Facebook and made it uncool, McDonald’s have now tried to become a Grill’d, Huxtaburger, 8Bit, New York Minute, Hello Sam et al. What was once perhaps a move away from the microwaved junior burger has come full circle with Maccas now offering and also pronouncing brioche.
Please let me know if you have any other things I can add to this list. I’ve got another work lunch on Friday and guess where everyone wants to go…