Oh Hash it outers, it’s Hump Day / Dump Day here and as you no doubt know by now prostitutes are using #ASADA to tell me that they too know little about what has occurred over the past two years. Oh and that the Essendon players have been found not guilty.
I love footy and I must admit for a time I was also quite keen on the soap opera that surrounded it. I loved the episode where Ben Cousins evaded police capture by jumping in a river and the one where Alan Didak’s drag race ended badly for him and his evil twin Ron Moss. But this whole Essendon ‘saga’ (sort of sounds like ASADA doesn’t it?) has been the media equivalent of letting me sit under the sundae machine at McDonald’s – too much of a good thing and I changed my mind pretty quickly.
I absorbed many of the initial facts, discussed earnestly in pubs the likelihood that idiots injecting people with banned substances would enter those same substances in to an Excel spreadsheet but after a few months, I started to feel like I had been roofied. Names and faces swirled around in my head, hearings, appeals, sanctions, show cause notices, it all became a blur. I lost touch with reality, could no longer follow Caro, Gerard, Finey, Ralphy or Robbo. I glazed over when Hirdy, Jobe or Paul popped up on my telly.
Then yesterday, we got the news we’d all been waiting for. It was like I had emerged from an opium den and wandered, blinking in to the light. Not guilty! Yes, says who? Asada? No. Oh the AFL, um no, Essendon were found guilty of some other stuff and they got kicked out of the finals for that. Oh yeah… I remember that… So this one was the Federal Court thing then? Um no it was the AFL anti-doping tribunal. The who? What about the courts? Oh they lost there, no James Hird lost but Essendon didn’t, oh God no I feel faint again, can someone hand me a Tamazepam and a large glass of white wine?
Essendon has successfully muddied the waters to the point where I would gleefully inject an entire spreasdheet’s worth of supplements in to the back of my eyeball just to get some actual sport back on to the sports pages.
My head hurts. Make it stop Essendon. Please everybody #Make.It.Stop.