Santa spuds for naughty kids

When you think about it, Santa is a ruthless bastard. I was always told on Christmas eve that if I didn’t go to bed early, Santa would bypass our house and I would get no Christmas presents at all. When you think about it, that’s an extremely harsh penalty to impose on a child for for overshooting their bedtime, especially if the kid had been well behaved for the preceding 364 days (which was invariably the case with me). Have you heard Santa’s latest trick though? It’s just cruel; he’s withholding presents from naughty children and replacing them with potatoes.

In other words, every spud a child discovers around the house between now and christmas is a gift forgone. ‘Poof! There goes a bike’ for example. Rumours are also circulating about a ‘five strikes and you’re out’ policy whereby Santa will deliver no presents at all after 5 offences.

Two of my friend’s kids have already been delivered some of Santa’s spuds this year. ‘How did they react?’ Pretty well actually. My friend Jenn’s children adopted them, drew faces on them and named each one. Not a moment of soul searching was done by either of her two children.

Santa has always had a ruthless streak. When my Nan was a little girl she was ambitious enough to ask him for a horse one year but woke up to discover nothing but a scattered pile of hay around the back door. The horse had run away, she was told, because she had overslept. There were tears (and probably ongoing emotional damages) but eventually Nan just got on with the rest of the Christmas day festivities. It proves how resilient kids are and perhaps explains why Santa has to go to such extreme lengths to promote his ‘good behaviour’ message.

Generally, Mum used to say that when I was a kid, I was only happy if I got a ball of some description for Christmas because I was mad about sports. Therefore, receiving a potato probably would not have phased me, as long as it was symmetrical.

Did Santa play a cruel trick on you when you were a kid? Leave a comment below…

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