Trump is killing my teeth

I had my checkup with the Dentist this week – another 12 months without a cavity [punches air, then hesitates mid punch]. There’s a problem though. My back molars are showing signs of wear. The Dentist says I’m grinding my teeth in my sleep.

‘My sister had that problem for a while, maybe it’s genetic?’ I said. ‘No’, the Dentist insisted ‘it’s stress related’ (later verified by Mum). Stress?! But where’s the stress in my life? I’m so relaxed it’s ridiculous. I’d literally have to invent my own stress…

Hang on a second.

When Donald Trump got elected, I started watching MSNBC and CNN on my phone in bed. It quickly became my nightly routine. Now I can’t get to sleep now until I’ve heard a panel of experts discussing Trumps GOP tax bill. I need to know the latest developments in Robert Muller’s inquiry into Russian collusion. I’m hooked on’ ‘breaking news’ and, dammit, it won’t stop breaking.

‘What’s this got to do with grinding your teeth?’ you’re thinking. ‘Sure, he’s a megalomaniac dictator destroying the very fabric of American society but he’s thousands of miles away. It’s not your problem’… well now it is. I can’t remember the last time I dreamt about unicorns or rainbows because every night when I go to sleep my brains awash with trickle down economic theory and my own outrage at Trump’s casual racism. My teeth are suffering at the hands of my subconscious angst!

So, no more CNN or Morning Joe before bed but what the hell am I gonna do before I go to sleep to relax then? I can’t just lie there and look at the ceiling!

‘Just read a happy book and try to relax’ was my Dentist’s suggestion. ‘A happy book’? I have a lot of books on Dutch soccer philosophy but I’m pretty light on in the Mr Men department.

Please hear my plea while I still have the teeth to articulate it:

How can I relax before bed, please leave a comment below… (And don’t call me with your problems after 11pm, my teeth don’t need it)


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